If I’m honest I’ve neglected this blog for the past few months. If I’m honest it’s because I’ve been scared to write. Even privately. Especially publicly. Instead I’ve been devouring other people’s words. Words they’ve already bled out. Words they’ve tripped over. Words that carry hopes and intent and truth.
So when I was asked to create a soundtrack of my journey to arts administration as a self-introduction for a two-week graduate course on public policy and the arts, I felt a lightness I haven’t felt in a while. To be able to share who you are, what you’ve been through, what you believe in, without the critics waiting to ponce on your imperfections. I’ve never been good at making playlists but I’m really proud of this one.
For now I’ll borrow other’s words. Soon, I will make myself again in my own words.
I found out last night that one of my great aunts passed away. She was 88 years old.
This is the part about growing older that I can’t ever get used to.
She was my favorite Lola (grandmother) growing up in the Philippines. I absolutely adored her. She let me pluck the white hairs off her head! I don’t know why I did that, and why she even let me, but it’s one of my fondest memories. I remember being at her house for hours almost every day. Our mom worked a lot and was gone most of the day so my dad’s extended family took care of us (he was in the U.S. during this time).
She was kind and loving; one of the few grandmothers who showered me and my sister with affection and not criticism. We may not have been related by blood but it didn’t matter to her. At times she felt more like my actual grandmother than my dad’s mother ever did.
And now she’s gone.
And this is the only way I know how to say goodbye.
Typing words into the void of the internet. Trying so hard to recall memories from three decades ago. Wondering why I never wrote her any letters, or called her, only seeing her a few times whenever I visited the Philippines.
She was the last of her generation. My elders have all moved on, leaving us to carry their memories for them.
I hope she was proud of who I became. Time and space and oceans and language separated us but I like to think she was always with me somehow, deep in my memories, knowing without a doubt that I was loved.
Earlier this week I went to the funeral of a dear family friend. Growing up in a tight Filipino American community, my generation called him “Lolo” (as we do with all elders of a certain generation). It means “grandfather.”
I was holding back tears throughout the day and I couldn’t help but think back to six years ago, July, when my own maternal grandfather died weeks before my parents were set to travel to the Philippines to see him. He was the only grandfather I knew. My dad’s father died decades before I was born. Yet I probably spent more time with Lolo than I did with my actual grandfather (whom I called Itay which means “father”). It’s not his fault–or anybody’s, really. That’s the nature of a transnational family. People get left behind. Decades pass until you see each other in person. Technology may advance and be readily available but not in every corner of the world.
My fondest memory of my grandfather was in 2006. I had just graduated from college and the family went on a long-awaited trip to the homeland before I had to start my first professional job. By this time, his health had already deteriorated and he was mostly blind. We really couldn’t understand each other. He was a Waray speaker through and through. Me: English. Maybe a little Tagalog.
I was sitting on a bench outside of his house when a stray cat jumped on the table and I screamed in fright. He was sitting across the table and immediately turned towards me and began to ask where the cat was, waving his arm from side to side to dissuade it from returning. This gesture of protection was one of the rare times I felt so loved by a grandparent. Here was this person who didn’t know me that well and could barely see but none of that mattered. I was scared and he was by my side.